The Close Friends List
Issue 156, featuring an interview with Chelsea Boes
Hope you’re surviving allergy season better than I am! In case you’re new here: every other Friday, I interview an interesting woman, share something I’ve been thinking about lately, and recap the latest news at the intersection of pop culture and politics.
Find me on Instagram and X so you don’t miss any of my work.
The Close Friends List
I am a firm believer that strangers are just friends I haven’t met yet. However, I don’t like to call just anyone my friend — it’s a very near and dear word to my heart! That’s why I think the broadening of the term “friend” is actually a bad thing (if all it takes to be someone’s “close friend” is clicking a button on Instagram, then how meaningful is the term, really?). American culture, including our work culture, is extremely informal, with corporations often wanting to convince employees that they’re all family here, or some such thing. I think the “bestiefication” of everything is just another step down this path.
I’m sure you’re wondering what point I’m trying to make. It’s a practical one, and it has to do with professional networking (after a long hiatus, I recently attended some networking events! Boy, am I rusty!). Today’s Girl’s Guide is inspired by one of my biggest networking pet peeves: calling someone your “friend” or even “close friend” when they are nothing of the sort. Yes, there are people who are unabashed social climbers and will always say they’re “close friends” with any important person you bring up, no matter what I write in this humble newsletter. But there are plenty of people who just answer the question “Do you know so-and-so?” with “Yes, we’re friends” because — what else do you say? “I know them, but we are DEFINITELY not friends.” That just sounds shady! For many of us who work in industries that are relatively small, where everyone might know of everyone but not necessarily know everyone, talking about individuals who are not present can be tricky. Not because of a tendency to gossip or anything like that, but because it’s so easy to feel social pressure to act like you know someone better than you do, even if it’s just to make the person you’re talking to more comfortable, or to feel more included in the group.
That’s why I’m here to encourage you that it’s okay to be honest when someone asks you if you’re friends with so-and-so. I mean, how awkward would it be if someone asked you if you knew so-and-so and you said, “Yes, we’re great friends,” and then the other person said, “Were you at her wedding last week?” and you said, “She got married??” Being honest about the nature of your relationship with an acquaintance or colleague just ensures that everyone in the conversation has accurate information. And having accurate information almost always leads to better outcomes, not worse ones. As a writer, I’m in an industry where many of us know of each other, and even know things about each other (because we’re writing about our lives, etc.) — but we may have only communicated on social media, or met once at a conference. Does that mean we’re friends? It depends!
I’m not even going to define the word “friend,” because I think it’s too fluid of a category. I would say I have friends I’ve never met IRL. We pray for each other and give each other life advice and read each other’s writing. Then there are people I have met in person multiple times whom I have had a few surface-level conversations with. Those people are not my friends, for no other reason than circumstances just haven’t brought us together as friends. Some of them are people I really, really enjoy! Maybe one day we will be friends. I just don’t know! Lately, I’ve made it a point to be as accurate as possible when describing my relationships. Below are some of the ways I’ve described my relationships with people who probably fall into the “acquaintance” bucket. Feel free to steal them!
We correspond.
We see each other at events.
I really enjoy her social media posts.
I enjoyed hearing from her at a conference.
We have mutual friends, but I haven’t met her.
I don’t know her well, but she seems wonderful.
I always enjoy her writing.
We have spoken over the phone but haven’t met in person yet.
We went to the same college, but didn’t overlap.
The main thing in all this, to me, is that we don’t need to be friends with someone to have our worth or status validated. You don’t need to know or be friends with all the right people to matter. And reserving the word “friend” for your true friends means that when you use the word, people will know you really mean it. So test this out for yourself and see what happens! You never know if being honest that you really don’t know a famous author in a conversation means that the person you’re talking to will offer to introduce you. Life is funny that way.
Interview with Chelsea Boes
Today’s interview is with writer and mom Chelsea Boes! I have featured several of Chelsea’s wonderful essays in past newsletters. Be sure to follow her on Substack to learn more about the book she’s writing. Oh, and while you’re at it — follow @thescreamnc on Instagram. The Boes family is opening an ice cream shop, and they’ve even come up with flavors inspired by books!!!
What does your life look like right now?
I have two girls in elementary school. My husband and I both work for God’s World News (the division of WORLD for kids’ publications). I’m editor of WORLDkids and a senior writer at WORLD, and I write WORLD’s weekly culture newsletter, Muse. Hurricane Helene destroyed our office in Asheville, NC, last fall (six feet of water inside!!!) — so we work mostly from home while our new office space gets settled. It’s so nice to be in our hometown during the day while our kids are in school. (Plus I love being with my favorite coworker.) I also do a lot of freelance and personal writing. We’re part of a little Anglican church plant in nearby Black Mountain, where Jonathan leads worship. I love it! Jonathan and I are also opening an ice cream company in our hometown this spring. He makes all the ice cream from scratch. Oh, and I’m writing a book proposal for How to Have a Baby! A lot going on.
What inspires your writing?
Oh my, where to begin? I catch little bits of inspiration all over, and carry a notebook around like a person with a bucket expecting a leak. The world is always leaking. Always. People talking about the Powerball at the Walmart checkout. Dogs chasing a chicken outside my window. Anything. Also, people talk to me. Like, a lot. Strangers tell me their whole life stories all the time! I’ve felt overwhelmed by my inability to catch everything since I was a kid. On Substack I write a lot about motherhood and Christianity, but I’d say my favorite things to write about are women, desire, and recovering from sanctimony.
What’s the best piece of relationship advice you’ve ever received?
Don’t marry a jerk!
What’s your favorite book you’ve read (or listened to!) in the last year and why?
Hmmm… probably What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami. It’s his nonfiction love letter to running, but it has all the delight and surprise of his fiction. Like me, Haruki started running at age 33. He draws a parallel between endurance in running and endurance in writing that blows my mind. (I also really like writing about running.)
What’s a beauty product you swear by?
Maybelline Super Stay Matte Ink lip color. My favorite shade is Ruler. (What does this mean about me??!!) Red lipstick makes me feel alive. And this lipstick takes many hours to fade, so I’m alive for a long time.
Bulletin Board
CALLING ALL READERS: Are you a reader of First Things magazine? Then you may want to consider joining a Readers of First Things (ROFT) group! The McLean, Va., chapter will be meeting on Saturday, June 6, to discuss two essays previously published in the magazine. Send me an email at girlygirlsguidetodc@gmail.com to learn more.
HOUSING: If you are a woman in the DC metro area and are looking for housing or a roommate, please email me at girlygirlsguidetodc@gmail.com! I may have a couple of leads for you!
The Haps
Here are links to what I’m reading lately:
Small Colleges Must Prioritize Mission Over Marketing (New Guard Press): As a graduate of a tiny Christian college, I heartily concur!
From West Wing Staff to White House Etiquette Instructor (The Conservateur): Alison M. Cheperdak reflects on her etiquette journey thus far! Order her new book here.
‘The Housemaid’ Author Frieda McFadden Reveals She’s A Brain Doctor (Daily Caller): Have I ever read a novel by McFadden? No. But am I obsessed with how she picked her pen name? Yes.
Butterworth’s Is for Bosses. MAGA’s Next Generation Is Hanging Out at Scarlet Oak. (NOTUS): I can’t believe the subject of breathless reporting is… Scarlet Oak.
American Girl brings back these original dolls in nostalgic relaunch (USA Today): Mattel finally makes a business decision that doesn’t make American Girl fans want to tear their hair out.
Ask Evie
Have a question you want me to answer in the newsletter? Click this link to send your question anonymously!
What a fun read this morning! Will be trying to employ some of your suggested "relationship describers" in conversation. I think our online age and being "friends" with literally thousands of *followers* has done nothing for us and certainly convolutes real relationships and friendships. My new goal is to be able to say "I correspond" with so-and-so, and by that mean that I write them handwritten letters. Loved learning what Chelsea and Jonathan are up to, and now I want to read that running book, use Ruler lipstick so I, too, can feel alive for long(er) periods of time, and have another child and name her Bravery. <3
Happy to call you my CLOSE FRIEND