The Girl's Guide
Issue 79: Only the Essentials
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Ask Evie
What is the biggest non-essential trait you looked for when dating? - Intentional Dater
Dear Intentional Dater,
Whether they actually write it down or not, everyone has a list of attributes they look for in a partner. Some people’s lists are longer than others’ – and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
My answer may disappoint you because I’d say I wasn’t looking for any specific non-essential traits while dating. When I met my husband Nick, my list was relatively short: Can I see this person being a good spouse and father? Do we have the same faith? Does he consider himself ready for marriage? For me, answering yes to all of those questions was essential. Such questions get to the core of a person’s character and values – the things that, along with attraction, will determine true compatibility in the long run.
So, what are some “non-essential” traits in men that women can get caught up on? Looks and salary, certainly, but there are a lot more to name than that. When imagining the ideal partner, it’s easy for us ladies to daydream about a guy who looks and talks like a man but is basically our BFF, with the exact same opinions and preferences that we have.
I hate to burst any bubbles, but such a man does not exist – and even if he did, you probably wouldn’t want to date him. If you’ve ever watched reality shows like Love Is Blind, then you’ve heard contestants say someone’s their soulmate because they’re the “male version of me” or the “female version of me.” I find this baffling – after all, looking in a mirror gets boring after a while. Relationships must have common ground, of course, but it’s the differences that will cause you to grow together and ultimately strengthen your relationship. There’s no compromise when you both pick the same movie every Friday night, and no need for communication skills when your viewpoints are the same. Take the “male version” of you and chuck him out the window.
If you find yourself looking for a laundry list of non-essential traits in a guy, there are a few things you need to consider. First, don’t pat yourself on the back that your list isn’t superficial just because you’re not requiring your Prince Charming to be six foot two, make seven figures, and have washboard abs. It can be just as superficial to look for someone with your exact brand of politics, the same sense of humor, or similar taste in music. Be firm on your essentials and open-minded on your non-essentials. After all, finding a partner high in openness (yes, this is a nod to the Big 5 personality test) is a million times more promising than finding someone who has the same songs on their Spotify Wrapped.
Second, remember that all of us evolve. The things you enjoy doing now probably aren’t the things you enjoyed doing three years ago. You’ll change as a natural part of maturing, and you’ll also change by virtue of spending time around your partner. For example, when Nick and I first started dating, I was worried we were incompatible because he didn’t get all of my jokes (many of which were references to movies he never saw because, ya know, he was living in the Honduran jungle). Fast forward a few years, and we can make each other laugh with just a look and have too many inside jokes to count.
Third, don’t get too excited when someone checks a non-essential box. Let’s say you’ve always looked for a date who shares your passion for a specific author – even you would acknowledge it’s silly, but this author is a big part of your life. When you find someone who checks this box, you’ll be tempted to overlook red flags because you’ve finally found someone who shares your passion! But if this person doesn’t have the essentials you need, they’re not the one, and it will be even harder to let them go because of what you felt was a special connection.
I hope these ramblings help you hone your checklist. After all, a good man is hard to find – don’t let him pass you by.
Submit your questions to Ask Evie anonymously via this form.
Interview with Emma Freire
This week, I’m excited to introduce you to Emma Freire, a Maryland resident who’s no stranger to DC! Emma is a thoughtful writer who frequently covers international news — check out her Twitter here and her latest articles here.
What do you love about your neighborhood?
I live in a quiet, green suburb of Baltimore. We love visiting the many world-class museums located in Charm City. If you live in DC, it’s worth a day trip.
What does your life look like right now?
My husband Lucas and I have three children, ages 8, 6 and 3. I have my dream job at World magazine as a features writer. I get to do deep-dive investigations into complicated topics. We moved back to America in 2021 after many years abroad in countries like Brazil and South Africa. It’s sad to see aspects of life in South Africa and Brazil appearing in post-pandemic America. I've written a lot about this.
What's the best piece of relationship advice you ever received?
I’ve been married for 10 years, so for me relationship advice means marriage advice. And the best marriage advice I ever got is from my brother. He said it takes conscious effort to prioritize your marriage over other areas of life, especially your career. When a professional opportunity comes along, you always have to ask yourself how it will impact your relationship with your spouse. Sometimes that means turning things down.
What's your advice to college students and recent grads who want to become better writers?
Listen to your editor. Sometimes you’ve worked very hard on a draft and you think it’s amazing. But then your editor sends it back with lots of comments and requests for rewrites. That’s frustrating! But it’s important to remember that the editor has a different perspective. They are trying to help you produce the best possible story to fit their publication. The Bible says, “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.” And that also applies to the writing process.
The Haps
Will the Real Bob Ross Please Stand Up
Y’all, I got so excited that Hollywood is finally making a Bob Ross biopic — only to realize that Owen Wilson’s new project, Paint, is not about Ross, exactly. It’s just that the main character talks like Bob Ross, looks like Bob Ross, and paints like Bob Ross. Um, how is that legal? Anyways, I probably won’t end up watching this film, but I would watch the heck out of a Bob Ross movie. Read more about Paint in The Hollywood Reporter.
Here are a few more links to what I’ve been reading this week:
Everyone Is Talking About Jill Biden and Doug Emhoff’s Weird Kiss, Except Our National Press (The Federalist): Yo, this was weird.
Missing Something Holy (The American Conservative): After the Taliban takeover of Afghanistan, former Taliban fighters are discovering what life is like as mid-level government bureaucrats. Spoiler alert: they hate city traffic.
Why we need a Joshua Harris rule (WORLD Magazine): A husband-and-wife team argue that, maybe, people in their 20s and 30s should not be our self-help gurus. With the exception of moi, I agree. (P.S. Keep an eye out for my interview with co-writer Katelyn Walls Shelton in the coming weeks).
Whatever Happened to Lush? (Refinery29): I remember when Lush was every teen girl’s favorite store in the mall. Now it’s floundering after killing its brand’s social media presence.
Bulletin Board
GABRIELA RODRÍGUEZ joins American Compass as a policy advisor. She was previously with the Niskanen Center. Congratulate Gaby on Twitter!
Readers Corner
Journalist Harvest Prude has been testing out the Mailbrew app and recommends it to her fellow busy Girl’s Guide readers. “It’s basically just a way to get your various subscriptions in a digest so it’s a way to simplify a cluttered inbox,” she says. “I’ve been testing it out, and I feel like it simplifies my news gathering.” You can also connect your Google calendar and Twitter to Mailbrew. Hey, if it helps you read The Girl’s Guide, I’m all for it.
