Issue 116: Extreme Friend Makeover
Featuring Emma Foley
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Ask Evie
Q: My best friend is an incredible woman. She has a glimmering personality and I adore her. However, she dresses like a miserable feminist lesbian. She comes from a highly religious background where feeling like you look good is frowned upon, and she has a lot of baggage from having to be the reliable one in her family. How do I help her holistically step into her femininity and leave behind her masculine appearance so that she can feel even better about herself? She doesn't believe that beauty and femininity are essential and wants to always be prepared to get her hands dirty. However, rejecting part of herself because she doesn't feel practiced in it is hurting her. How do I help her help herself? - Extreme Friend Makeover
A: Dear Extreme Friend Makeover,
I think it’s admirable that you care a lot about your friend and want to help her thrive. When discussing appearance, people often say, “It’s just clothes” — a statement that couldn’t be further from the truth. How we dress says a lot about what we think about ourselves. Do we think we’re worthy of investment? Attention? Respect? And that doesn’t even begin to cover the messages about ourselves we send to others through our appearance choices.
The short answer to your question is that there isn’t any formula you can follow to suddenly help your friend discover her femininity. A one-time What Not To Wear-style makeover would probably just make her uncomfortable right now. But you can be there for her and help her take baby steps when she’s ready. Her interest in expressing her femininity outwardly will come as she learns to embrace her femininity inwardly. Only she can take that journey to heal from her past.
There are things you can do for your friend. She might never be someone who wears dresses everyday (heck, most of us aren’t), but if you are patient, there will be opportunities for you to organically help her with her wardrobe. There will certainly be special occasions like weddings where she wants to dress up but doesn’t know where to start. That’s where you come in. You can play stylist for the day and help reassure her that no, she doesn’t look silly in a knee-length dress and a little bit of lipstick. Or if a dress is a bridge too far — a tailored pantsuit, maybe even in a fun color (they’re certainly on trend right now!).
It’s hard to get excited about putting together an outfit or taking care of your hair if you’ve never had that modeled for you (or even grew up being told such things are sinful). It sounds like you might have to be that role model for your friend. Setting an example as someone who simply enjoys being feminine is a good place to start. You can also help your friend combat some of the lies she believes about herself by being positive and building her up with verbal affirmation. She may feel like no one will find her attractive. She may feel like she doesn’t deserve a trustworthy man, or that none exist. There even may be deeper reasons why she values masculine traits over feminine traits that you don’t know about. Compliment her for her work ethic, her love for others, and her sense of fun, but also don’t be afraid to challenge her when she voices, even jokingly, a lie she believes about herself.
It seems like you fear your friend will miss out on some of the most amazing things about being a woman, like falling in love with a good man and feeling beautiful in his eyes. The good news is that your friend has time to grow into herself as a woman. That’s not a process that ends at 18 or 21 or 25. It’s something we all do over the course of our entire lives. The growth may seem slow to an outsider, but if she has friends like you to encourage her, she will come to see that her feminine side is not weak. It’s actually part of her strength.
Got a question for me? Submit it anonymously via this form.
Interview with Emma Foley
Today’s interview is Emma Foley, a writer who is about to embark on a big adventure in the Big Apple! You can check out Emma’s portfolio here and follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
What does your life look like right now?
You are catching me in a transitional period wrapping up my first position out of college — working for a talk radio network in the Boston area — and my next adventure, moving to New York City to work for National Review.
As I begin packing my “Boston life” into boxes, I cannot help but reflect that, while I was born and raised in the Philadelphia area, I “grew up” in Boston, studying Marketing and Theology at Boston College and entering the field of political and cultural commentary here in 2022.
Soon I’ll embark on my next journey to the Big Apple, hoping to learn as much as I can about news and media in my mid-20s from the best in conservative journalism.
What are your favorite topics to research and write about?
My top three favorite topics to write about are gender, religion, and culture. My mind works pretty analytically, so I have the most fun when I can employ numbers from an emerging industry or trend to convey a philosophical or natural concept.
Whenever I get the chance, I love to comment on goings on in the Roman Catholic Church. Luckily for me, I get to put my theology major to use pretty frequently!
What's the best advice about friendship and relationships you've ever received?
Human beings are fickle; we need them. The human experience is wasted when one of its participants calls a furry, four-legged creature her “friend” to avoid disagreement or chooses no friend at all so as to never have a canceled plan. True friendship is freely and mutually chosen, effortful, susceptible to pain, and necessary to thrive.
I highly recommend the “Friendship” chapter in C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves, where Lewis notes, when it comes to true friendship, “few value it because few experience it.”
What's a hobby or interest you have that surprises people?
Surprising my family most of all (as I would sulk at museums through my pre-teen years) is my relatively newfound interest in American and Church history. Since this is my final summer in Boston, I have been knocking off some “bucket list” items and focusing on being a tourist in my own city: learning about Boston’s forefathers (including my ancestors), dumping "tea" in the harbor, and getting inside as many hundred(s)-year-old buildings as possible.
What books are in your to-be-read pile right now?
Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald, God and Man at Yale by William F. Buckley, Jr., Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen, and Wicked by Gregory Maguire.
The Haps
Tony P Goes Global
The 2024 NATO Summit, an event with international foreign policy and security implications, takes place in DC this week. So it was a little bit of a surprise when the 32-state alliance chose DC social media influencer Tony P to film their public welcome video. For those wondering, Tony P is known less for his foreign policy knowledge and more for his videos with titles like “How I had a fun weekend and still slept 19 hours!” You can read The Washingtonian’s account of how the partnership came to be here.
George Clooney No Longer Supports President Biden
A politics and pop culture crossover? You bet The Girl’s Guide will be covering it. Actor George Clooney, an outspoken Democrat, has called for President Biden to drop out of the presidential race because of his age-related cognitive decline (which he witnessed during a recent fundraiser he hosted). These aren’t empty words — Clooney is a major fundraiser for the Dems, and lots of donors will follow his lead. Plus, not only has Clooney played a doctor on TV, but he’s played a presidential candidate in a movie. It’s so Joe-ver.
Here are some links to what I’ve been reading and writing lately:
Jack Schlossberg Is Just Being Himself (Vogue): Vogue announces JFK’s grandson as its new political correspondent with a newsroom photoshoot and Schlossberg describing himself as a “silly goose.” I’m not sure I predict any articles actually coming out of this hiring decision.
Review: The Evangelical Imagination: How Stories, Images, and Metaphors Created a Culture in Crisis (The Heidelblog): Zoe Miller (read my 2023 interview with her here) reviews Karen Swallow Prior’s latest book.
‘Bridgerton’ Star Simone Ashley Joins ‘F1,’ Starring Brad Pitt (Variety): Is it just me or is everyone (and by everyone, I mean my husband) obsessed with Formula 1 racing right now?
In-Fighting for Life (Substack):
examines the issues pro-lifers care about ahead of the Republican National Convention.Portland’s Lethal Prescription (WORLD): Emma Freire is on the ground in Oregon to report on the city’s self-inflicted drug problem.
Why You Should Read the Classics This Summer (The Conservateur): ICYMI, I have some summer reading suggestions for you!
Bulletin Board
ISO ROOMMATES: Catholic women’s house in Brookland with several open rooms looking for lively roommates to join community! A beautiful and spacious five-bedroom, 4.5 bath house in DC’s Brookland neighborhood is looking to fill three rooms between August and September. First opening available for move-in on July 28, two more rooms open August 15 and September 1 or October 1 (dates can be flexible).
Our ideal roommate is respectful, community-oriented, and a practicing Catholic. House is a five minute walk from the Brookland-CUA metro station on the red line, and walking distance from several churches including the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception and the Dominican House of Studies. Get connected by emailing Evie at girlygirlsguidetodc@gmail.com with subject line BROOKLAND.
Thank you for linking, and for another terrific issue! 🤍