Welcome back! If you missed last week’s issue, find it here.
This week’s newsletter includes my second-ever advice column, an interview with Elayne Allen Swallbach, and much more. As always, send your feedback to girlygirlsguidetodc@gmail.com and don’t forget to subscribe with the button below!
Ask Evie
Today’s “Ask Evie” question comes from a male reader (of course, I can’t be 100% sure — submissions are totally anonymous!). Submit your question anonymously via this form.
How do women want to be approached by men these days? Over the past 10 years, there's been an intense focus on criminal or boorish behavior thanks to #MeToo, the campus rape debate, and the viral social media campaign against street harassment. In response, many men might be extremely cautious about approaching a woman for fear of being labeled a predator and being made into a pariah. How then should men navigate this increasingly hostile dating environment? –Wondering in Washington
I’m going to assume a few things when answering your question – first, that you’re looking for a long-term relationship. Second, I’m going to assume you’re asking about chatting up women you don’t know, since “approach” implies striking up a conversation with a stranger.
There’s no straight answer to “how do women want to be approached by men” because every woman is different. Some women find it flattering when a man strikes up a conversation in the line at the grocery store. Others find it creepy. Either way, approaching a woman you don’t know in a public setting is a gamble. You should only do this in a populated place where a woman feels safe to ignore you. Also, you’ll have a much higher chance of succeeding if you strike up a conversation about something you have in common than just telling her you noticed she’s pretty and want to get her number.
Here’s a perfect hypothetical scenario: You’re in the ice cream aisle at the grocery store when you notice a beautiful woman wearing a concert tee from your favorite band picking up your favorite flavor of ice cream. You tell her good choice, that’s the best flavor ever. She takes out her AirPod and says really, I’ve never tried it before. You say yes and before you know it you’re talking about the band on her t-shirt and introducing yourselves. Home run.
Here’s the realistic hypothetical scenario: You’re in the ice cream aisle at the grocery store when you notice a beautiful woman wearing a concert tee from your favorite band picking up your favorite flavor of ice cream. You tell her good choice, that’s the best flavor ever. She gives you a forced smile, doesn’t take out her AirPods, and walks away.
Even if you do have the home run scenario, there’s no guarantee that you and concert tee cutie are actually compatible. A few dates in, you realize she’s moving to Paris in six months, has a pet snake she’s vowed to prioritize over any man, and believes in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Your time has been wasted.
That’s why, although it’s tempting to imagine you’ll meet “the one” waiting in line at the DMV or grabbing eggs at Aldi, my main advice to you is to put yourself in situations where you’ll naturally meet other singles who share your values. If you are placing all your hope on a chance meeting with a woman who happens to check all your boxes, you are the gambler that Kenny Rogers sings about in the song, my friend.
Let’s say you only have three non-negotiables when looking for a partner – faith, family, and location. (This is a low number of non-negotiables, by the way, especially for us control-freak Washingtonians.) In all likelihood, you are not going to meet that person randomly. You need to seek them out by getting involved at your place of worship, volunteering for a cause or candidate you feel passionate about, or just saying “yes” more when you’re invited to social outings.
You may have to get out of your comfort zone in order to meet quality women (I’m using “quality” to describe the quality of the match they are for you, not their worth as a person). Chances are, the quality woman you meet feels a little out of her comfort zone, too. You’ll end up bonding over it.
Lastly, be strategic. Maximize your chances. This goes for both genders! If you are longing for a partner, tell your friend who likes to play matchmaker. Don’t feel bad for going to an event solely to meet someone. Ask your friend for an introduction to the cute wallflower they happen to know at the party. Try to always look your best. And think outside the box. I love this tip from this article on meeting other singles:
It makes sense that doing charity work is a great way to find a date: “You meet like-minded people who have the time to give back to the community and to support their passions,” says Tammy Shaklee, relationship expert and founder of the national offline matchmaking company, H4M Matchmaking.
But what if THE ONE is stuck driving the van while you’re outside hammering nails? Your paths may never even cross, and that would be a bummer. Shaklee has the perfect solution: “Sit at the registration table,” she says. “You’ll get to meet every participant who checks in!"
Take that spirit of carpe diem with you on your next outing – best of luck!
Read my last Ask Evie column by clicking here.
Interview with Elayne Allen Swallbach
Every week, I introduce you to a woman who knows the ins and outs of DC. Allow me to introduce you to my friend Elayne Allen Swallbach, a thoughtful writer who is also one of the organizers of women’s discussion group Fairer Disputations. Check out Elayne’s latest writing by clicking here.
What neighborhood do you live in?
I live with my husband Jude on Capitol Hill, close to the Eastern Market metro in a Baptist Church converted into an apartment building, which has several stained glass windows. Before we moved here, we were living in a tiny, dark basement apartment about six blocks away... so by the time we moved to our church unit we were a little desperate for sunshine.
Eastern Market has been perfect for my time of life — it's embedded in a quiet, walkable neighborhood, but it also has both casual and upscale dining and drinking options. We've made several friends in the neighborhood in our three or so years of living in DC; and there is a surprising number of young Christians and Catholics on the Hill, which has provided a sense of community that's unique to a big city, I think.
What does your life look like right now?
The biggest part of my life right now is that I'm expecting a baby, due in mid-April. So a lot of my time is spent figuring out how the heck to have a baby/be a mom (do babies drink water? Am I allowed to have a Jersey Mike sub and an XL glass of wine immediately after delivery? Am I supposed to be reading parenting books right now? Do babies even need "parenting"? What is parenting? etc.). But the excitement far surpasses the confusion — no, I don't know how to change a diaper yet, but I'll figure it out. Plus there are tons of baby cuddles in my future.
In terms of career, I'm working as Managing Editor for an online journal called Public Discourse, which has been an adventure. Our goal is to publish in-depth, sober, and rigorous essays on ethical, political, and cultural challenges of our day. I also try to write regularly, developing my ideas and joining discussions about faith, politics, feminism, and thinking well.
What's your favorite coffee shop in DC?
This has probably been mentioned in the Girl's Guide before, but I adore Wine and Butter, an outdoor coffee shop on the edge of Lincoln Park. I love it because it's nestled in a residential neighborhood with strung lights and umbrella covered tables on the sidewalks. When the weather is nice, it's also for people watching and has become a go-to spot when my best friend and I need a coffee date.
What's your favorite cookbook?
Please forgive the shameless geekiness here, but Recipes from the World of Tolkien: Inspired by the Legends. Jude got this as a Christmas gift (he's become a master chef the past couple of years) and we've been eating recipes from it nonstop for basically three weeks. The food is healthy, delicious, and pretty easy. We haven't found a single recipe we didn't love. Plus it's filled with beautiful illustrations!
What’s your beauty routine?
In terms of makeup, my beauty philosophy (which I just invented while typing this sentence) is "lazy minimalism." I have pretty much the exact same regimen every day: eyeshadow, eye liner, and mascara; blush; and some kind of lip color. I've recently introduced clear brow gel, too—yes, very daring. I tend to have a more natural look, not because of any firm commitment to a naturalistic beauty philosophy, but because anytime I've tried to get fancier than that it just doesn't end well at all.
I'm also a lazy minimalist when it comes to skincare. I just wash my face and moisturize. One product that I've loved is Farmacy's Daily Greens moisturizer. My skin tends to be on the oiler side, and this is a lightweight oil-free face lotion. It keeps my skin feeling smooth and hydrated without greasiness — a rare achievement.
How would you describe your style?
I love an occasional soft touch of grunge in my wardrobe, though I'm most often dressed in feminine, muted colors. I don't know if it's because we have the same name and I've been binging the show lately, but I love Elaine's look in Seinfeld. I'm nowhere near her fashion game but certainly would aspire to it. I even dressed up as her for Halloween (at my best friend's great suggestion — shout out to Christiana!).
The Haps
Former Playmate Says Modest Is Hottest
“The opposite of hypersexualization isn’t frumpiness, it’s beauty,” Elle Reynolds writes in her latest article for The Federalist. Elle delves into what former Playboy Playmate (and Hugh Hefner’s widow) Crystal Hefner’s embrace of modesty means in today’s society. Read the piece by clicking here and connect with Elle on Twitter.
Wordle Goes Worldwide
I must admit that I didn’t try Wordle until last night, but that doesn’t mean I missed the news that The New York Times is buying the popular word game. If you’re afraid that means your favorite obsession might be PAYWALLED(!), check out this article on how to download all of World for free. And don’t forget that Wordle has already spawned plenty of knockoffs, including Queerdle, Sweardle, and Taylordle.
Here are more links to what I’m reading this week:
It Took Me 26 Years To Fall In Love: Mica Soellner writes about how she’s grown in love and life through the lens of the journals she’s kept since age 12. Read it here and connect with Mica on Twitter here.
She’s a thrift store detective of sorts — she buys mementos and returns them to their rightful owners, free of charge: The Washington Post profiles 28-year-old Chelsey Brown, an avid secondhand shopper who has bought and returned more than 190 long-lost letters and other mementos to their rightful owners. Read the story here.
Congrats & More
Congrats to MARY ROSE CORKERY, who is joining the Ethics and Public Policy Center as office manager! Connect with her on Instagram.
Join Jefferson County Commissioner CLARE ANN ATH for her re-election campaign kickoff on Saturday, Feb. 5, in Harpers Ferry, West Virginia. Connect with Clare Ann on Twitter and find more details on Eventbrite.
Ask Evie
Have a question you want me to answer in the newsletter? Click this link to send your question anonymously!
I can’t promise to have all the answers, but I will consult with the experts, a.k.a. the plotlines of my favorite 2000s romcoms.