The Girl's Guide
Issue 114: Is DC Dating Really That Bad? (feat. Lauren Fernandez)
Welcome back to The Girl’s Guide! If you missed the most recent issue, find it here.
I’ll be doing weekly newsletters for the month of June because I have so many great interviews for you! So don’t be surprised when you see me in your inbox again next Friday. I’ll return to a biweekly schedule in July and plan to take a break starting in August when Baby Boy Solheim arrives!
Find me on Instagram and Twitter so you don’t miss anything Girl’s Guide.
Ask Evie
Q: Much is made of DC as a hellish dating scene, particularly in the conservative space. Do you believe this stereotype is overblown, as I do? - Optimist on O Street
A: Dear Optimist,
I’ve heard (and experienced) nearly every complaint that can be made about the DC dating scene – the challenges of transience, career obsession, and refusal to date across the aisle. And yet, I think there are a lot of good things about the DC dating scene, including the fact that it brought me my husband, Nick.
Any woman looking for love in DC is going to have to sift through a lot of sand to find gold – but I’m not sure that things are any different in other major cities. So I agree with this Girl’s Guide reader that overly emphasizing the negative aspects of DC dating doesn’t actually help anyone.
An intellectual and driven person is going to find lots of people with those same qualities in this town. Will there also be annoying dudes with grandiose visions of becoming members of Congress at 30? Unfortunately, yes — but you can deal with that. I know I sound like a West Wing character when I say this, but sharing a vision to help our country can really bond two people. So many DC couples found each other through a shared policy niche or long hours working together that it’s not even funny. The city is truly America’s Paris.
The DC conservative dating scene can feel small, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Individuals’ reputations often precede them, which can help you avoid wasting time (and should discourage them from behaving too badly!). Sharing someone’s party affiliation isn’t an automatic sign of shared values, but it is a pretty good indicator. And while the DC dating scene as a whole skews female, I’ve noticed that certain conservative programs tend to skew male, which can provide an advantage to any woman in the mix.
So if you find yourself checking out of the dating scene due to discouragement — allow me to propose a question to ask yourself. Are you high or low in openness?
If you’ve heard of the Big Five personality traits before, then you’re likely tracking with me. The Big Five traits are openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Personality tests can bog you down when it comes to dating – especially if you spend too much time wondering if your personality type is “compatible” with someone else’s — but identifying your level of openness can help you see how you self-sabotage in the early stages of dating.
Individuals who are classified as “low in openness” are often data-driven pragmatists. Individuals who are classified as “high in openness” are often feelings-driven risk-takers. If you’re not sure where you fall on the spectrum, you can find a free Big Five Aspects Scale test here.
If you’re lower in openness, that can come with plenty of advantages in dating. You probably don’t have a hard time crossing someone off your list if he doesn’t check your boxes. You might have a list of dating rules that you’re pretty good at sticking to. But if you’re getting frustrated with dating, it might be time to switch a few things up. For example, be open to meeting someone at events where you’re not normally in “single and ready to mingle” mode. Maybe you’re very closed off to the idea of meeting a guy at a work event, during a girls’ night out, or while grabbing groceries. Try not to get annoyed when someone pops up at the “wrong” time – it might actually be right.
If you’re high in openness, you might find yourself going on first dates a lot but quickly deciding there won’t be a second one. You may also have a set of requirements for what you want in a serious relationship — which you toss out the window whenever a cute guy who totally doesn’t fit them appears. (Your openness can make you really good at accepting excuses from others because, well, you’re open to understanding why they act like that.) My challenge to you is to focus in on the essentials, or the qualities that make a man a good partner for you. These include traits like humility, work ethic, and reliability — all of which are in shorter supply than they should be. Don’t lose focus on finding someone who wants to be a good husband and dad — not in the abstract, but in the near future.
The dating scene in your city is what you make of it. It may get stale, or small, or even weird. But if you check in with yourself to make sure you’re not causing some of your own setbacks, then you can begin to feel like the city’s a little less hellish.
Submit your questions to Ask Evie anonymously via this form.
Interview with Lauren Fernandez
Today’s interview is with my fellow Patrick Henry College grad Lauren Fernandez! Lauren is a wife, mom, and West Virginia-based doula with a lot of knowledge to share. Follow her on Instagram @doulawrenbirth and check out her website here.
What does your life look like right now?
I stay home with my two kids, work part-time as a virtual assistant, and work with doula clients. We are also trying to reach 1,000 hours outside this year! Usually we spend a portion of the morning playing outside, have naps and work time in the afternoon, and then do our dinner and bedtime routines in the evening. I fit in doula work where I can. And then about once a month, I drop all that in an instant to go support a mom in labor!
What does a doula do?
A doula provides emotional, physical, and informational support to moms during pregnancy, labor, and postpartum. Often, that looks like being a calming and reassuring presence during labor, suggesting positions and comfort measures, helping understand options during pregnancy and birth, and helping the mom and dad advocate for their birth preferences. I chose to train through Childbirth International, which was a self-paced online training including communication skills, pregnancy and birth physiology, and birth doula skills.
What inspired you to become a doula?
I developed an interest in birth while pregnant with my first child, and that interest continued well after he was born. I was fascinated by it and couldn’t learn enough! I wanted to help other moms experience a positive birth and minister to them during what I consider to be one of a woman’s most vulnerable and empowering experiences.
What resources do you recommend to first-time moms?
These are my favorite resources to refer moms to: (1) Expecting and Empowered, which is a workout program specifically for the childbearing year. (2) Evidence-Based Birth, which is a blog explaining evidence on nearly any pregnancy or birth topic you could think of. And (3) Real Food for Pregnancy, which is a book about how to nourish yourself during pregnancy using whole nutrient-dense foods. These are all excellent evidence-based resources to help navigate the pillars of prenatal prep: nutrition, movement, and research.
What’s something you wish you had known before becoming a mom?
The power of snacks and interesting toys. As simple as a lesson as that seems, I was somewhat blindsided by my child’s need for frequent food and attention-keeping toys. Everything goes better when my kids are eating every couple hours and have accessible toys at eye level, ready to capture their attention.
The Haps
Check Out My Latest…
I’ve had a busy week — my latest story for Evie Magazine just went live. Read it here: 6 Things Parisian Women Do Differently During Pregnancy. I also had a lot of fun joining Freda Donnelly on her show Finding the Faith to chat about becoming a mom, my journalism career, and more. You can watch here or listen to the audio-only version here.
Here are more links to what I’ve been reading this week:
New England Summer Style (The Conservateur): I wish all these summer staples would magically appear in my closet!
The Owner of Caroline's Cakes Toasts His Late Mom With A Fizzy, Festive Flavor (Southern Living): Read about this Southern business with a bittersweet backstory.