The Girl's Guide
Issue 84: They Set Me Up!
Welcome back to The Girl’s Guide! If you missed the most recent issue, find it here. This post is actually too long for email format, so click over to browser if you need to!
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The Setup Survey, Continued
Thanks again to everyone who took The Official Girl’s Guide Setup Survey! If you’d like to see the toplines of the survey, click here.
After talking to many friends about the topic of matchmaking, I decided to get to the bottom of why being set up on a date is a universally loathed experience. And thanks to your anonymous responses, I think there could be a light at the end of the tunnel! Here are the two main threads I was able to pull out from the survey as they apply to matchmakers.
The first principle is not to put too much pressure on either party. If you’re the matchmaker, don’t overhype a potential suitor. Sure, you want to talk up your friend, but you don’t need to start planning a wedding for two people who haven’t even been on their first date.
I liked this point from an anonymous male respondent: “I've found it always goes fine when everyone has no expectations besides friendly politeness: It's just a date! It should just be a date to both participants, and it should just be a date to whoever is setting them up. Pressure makes it hard to have fun in an inherently semi-risky situation.”
Part of relieving the pressure on the two people going on the date is knowing their personalities. If you have a friend who’s an overthinker, setting him or her up with someone in your shared friend circle could backfire. A stranger (to them) could be better. But if you have a friend who’s more laissez-faire, he or she may be totally fine to continue socializing with someone after a few dates that fizzled out. The most important thing is ensuring that neither party has any worries about saying no to a second date — no harm, no foul.
This leads me into the second principle: the most important thing to consider when setting up friends is good character. That’s because attraction is not an exact science — you can’t predict with 100% accuracy who your best friend will like or dislike.
I like this explanation from a female respondent: “In reality, we have no idea which of our friends or acquaintances will hit it off, so I think the best approach is just to throw your various single friends together more and see if there is any interest!”
With this approach, matchmaking is less like finding the perfect candidate and more like an experiment. As the matchmaker, you might feel guilty if the date goes poorly. But you can feel confident in setting up the date as long as you know both parties are people of good character. Ultimately, that’s the most important trait any of us should be looking for in a spouse.
Even if the two people on the date decide they don’t have chemistry, you (the matchmaker) should know that they’ll treat each other with kindness. Sadly, in today’s world, that’s not a given. So it’s up to you as the person setting up the date to be realistic about which of your friends will handle rejection (or doing the rejecting) with kindness. And if you have friends who would be jerks on a date, maybe you shouldn’t be friends with them in the first place?!?
I hope these tips help if you find yourself playing matchmaker from time to time. I’m certainly no Yente from Fiddler on the Roof, but I love to help my friends any way I can. If you are interested in this topic, here are more anonymous answers from men and women about what their friends get wrong when trying to set them up on dates:
From the girls…
“I think people tend to err on the side of not taking action — usually because of having pre-judgments about who someone would or would not be into. In reality, we have no idea which of our friends or acquaintances will hit it off, so I think the best approach is just to throw your various single friends together more and see if there is any interest! Some sleuthing/checking in after a group hang can go a long way. But by the same token, if someone is politely indicating they aren't interested or seems tepid, don't push it.”
“Teasing the idea of someone, showing pics, etc. before there’s even an opportunity for them to meet. Opportunity must be connected to reality!”
“People forget that opposites attract. Every time someone had set me up for a date, they chose someone similar to me (outgoing, bubbly, dreamer), but I'm actually attracted to my complete opposite! (Stoic, steady, grounded.) My friends and family wouldn't naturally imagine me with someone who is my complete opposite, so they miss the mark. (Found exactly my type, and now everyone sees we're the perfect match for each other, despite all the mismatched set-ups before!)”
“I think set-ups should have a more casual and fun nature to them. In my experience, there's a lot of pressure put on it working out. You want to be thankful towards your friend taking the risk of setting it up and maybe go out with the guy more times than you should because of this. And your friend is likely asking for details after each date while you're still trying to figure it out. Still a big fan of set-ups though. Currently planning a ‘double-blind’ date where I know the girl and a friend knows the guy. I'm planning the time and venue, and the couple knows it's all for fun and just a goofy way to meet someone new.”
“Overthink it. If they can’t see it working long-term, they don’t introduce you. Better not to think that far ahead, and just to let your friends become friends. If it goes nowhere, oh well. Maybe they got a new friendship. If it goes somewhere, that’s fine, too. But it doesn’t have to go to the altar to be ‘a good set-up.’ I’ve been set up once, and it led to a relationship that ended in one of the worst heartbreaks of my life. I regret very little about the situation, and I certainly do NOT regret that our mutual friend took a shot and introduced us. I’d say — barring some really insurmountable differences — when in doubt, set it up. Let your friends decide if they get on together. Don’t decide for them.”
“Any random single friend doesn’t qualify them as a good person to set up, wait until it’s someone of actual quality before sharing them with your friend.”
“Maybe building it up too much? I’ve set up a lot of my friends, but I always try to emphasize that dates are supposed to be fun and casual. I see some people really build up the excitement and suspense like ‘You guys are perfect! You’re meant for each other!’ And I don’t think that’s helpful. And usually sooo not accurate.”
“I think we should all be more bold about setting up our single friends. It is rough out there. People need all the help they can get. I think it's better to do a ‘hard set up.’ Soft setups can actually end up being more awkward since the parties may have different expectations.”
From the guys…
“A common trap people fall into is casting around for the person in their circle who is most conspicuously ‘single’ to set up with ‘someone’ rather than give a thought to if they might enjoy one another.”
“In my experience, women who set up their girlfriends do so as a favor to them. They don’t really consider the man’s potential preferences or opinions, just their friend’s.”
“I think people who have set me up have misjudged the other person's interest in a relationship, since it's usually been clear very quickly on the date that they aren't interested in a relationship at the moment.”
“Honestly, the worst part was when a friend offered to meet up with me because he was in town and we hadn't seen each other in a while, and about 30 minutes into our conversation he mentioned he was trying to set me up on a date, and when I mentioned I wasn't interested, he was ready to leave. That was the worst part: an acquaintance I hadn't seen in a while who only wanted to meet up with me to pitch an idea for a date.”
“I think the biggest thing is building out ideas for who to set someone up with before they ask if the person wants them to help them set up a date. Had someone come to me saying, ‘Hey: do you want me to reach out to a friend to go out with you?’ with no one in mind, I'd be much more interested to give it a try. But what has happened a lot in my experience is, ‘Hey, I know this single, and I think you'd be a good fit for them,’ and that just makes me feel more on edge going into it.”
Interview with Alina Clough
This week I’m excited to introduce y’all to Alina Clough, a Buffalo native who now calls DC home! Connect with Alina on Instagram and Twitter, and be sure to check out her writing by clicking here.
What do you love about your neighborhood?
I’ve lived in Capitol Hill since last June when I moved down to DC, hard to believe it’s almost been a year! I’m not much of a city person, so I love this area because it has tons of green space, flowers, and trees, plenty of beautiful architecture, and lots of kids and families giving it a neighborhood feel. I also love that it’s so walkable; my gym, church, grocery store, and a lot of friends are all within a few blocks.
What does your life look like right now?
Life is so good. During the day I work as a software designer (UIUX design, if that means anything to anyone), working on some of the coolest projects ever. Most of my work has been for NASA in their startup incubator and it’s truly become a dream job getting to make small pieces of the government work better.
Outside of the 9-to-5 I run the DMV branch of American Conservation Coalition, a conservative grassroots conservation group near and dear to my heart. That mostly entails hikes and park cleanups, with occasional things like debates and policy talks thrown in. I also write weekly articles for Evie Magazine, on anything from bioethics to fashion!
What’s something you wish you had known before moving to DC?
How to deal with the humidity, specifically my hair! As someone with a frizz ball for a mane, I used to struggle SO badly with the swampy summers. It’s pricey for sure, but I’ve gotten so I do hair botox, a deep conditioning treatment, twice a year (or things like keratin treatments) and it’s worth its weight in gold. Verb’s Ghost Oil is also a lifesaver for the occasional humidity-induced frizz!
What are your favorite hobbies?
I like fitness and the outdoors in lots of different forms. In the warm months I like kayaking and taking advantage of DC’s tennis courts, but year-round I also love hiking and fitness classes, especially boxing. I also play flute and guitar pretty regularly, often for communion at church, and like to paint, though I’m not great at it.
What's a book you think every woman should read?
The Bible! And if that’s already in your daily reading list, The Screwtape Letters. Especially in DC, it’s so easy to get distracted from what really matters. You’ll be chasing a promotion, a date, or a grad school acceptance letter and pretty soon you’ll realize you don’t know what you’re doing it all for. The Screwtape Letters in particular is an easy read and a convicting one, especially if you find yourself getting caught up in politics or interpersonal battles. DC was just rated the loneliest city in the country, but it doesn’t have to feel that way: go to church weekly, read your Bible, and anchor yourself in community. It’s life-changing, I promise!
The Haps
White House Down: Toddler Edition
Believe it or not, a toddler squeezed through the White House fence and was technically an intruder on the White House grounds on Tuesday! Luckily, no one was hurt and Secret Service officers returned him to his parents safe and sound. You can read about the tot’s adventure here. As a mom, this story gave me a pang of anxiety — and hey, maybe those parents who put their toddlers on leashes are onto something, at least when you’re near a high-security facility.
The Real Housewives of… Arlington?
If you live in Arlington, you could be closer than you think to filming for The Real Housewives of Potomac! Earlier in 2023, cast member Ashley Darby revealed that she had bought a home in Arlington, but it was unclear where — until film crews showed up this week. Maybe she’s in your neighborhood… hope you’re ready for your 15 minutes of fame if so! Read more here.
Here are a few links to what I’m reading and writing this week:
How To Snag The Best Stuff While Thrifting: I wrote about my tried-and-true thrifting secrets for Evie Magazine!
People Are Dunking Their Wooden Spoons in Boiling Water—Here’s Why You Shouldn’t: According to Taste of Home, this TikTok hack (which I totally fell for) may not be so great after all.
“Oh SNAP!” That’s So Not Working: Friend of the sub Patricia Patnode writes about government nutrition programs, healthy eating, and the hit show That’s So Raven.
The Oppenheimer vs. Barbie showdown is still on: Which one will you be seeing when they premiere July 21?
Ask Evie
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