The Girl's Guide to DC
Issue 47: Is Dating a Bear Market?
Happy Thursday! If you missed last week’s issue, find it here.
I want this newsletter to be about you, the ladies of DC, so send me your favorite pantry staples and bad date rants by replying to this email.
What They Don’t Tell You
If there’s one topic I find endlessly fascinating, it’s modern dating. That’s why I was very excited when reader Catherine Francois sent me a link to an episode of the podcast “Institutionalized” titled “Marriage Markets with Rob Henderson.”
I learned a lot from the podcast, including about the perverse incentives of dating apps and the proliferation of bot accounts, which may or may not be encouraged by the companies themselves. Much of the discussion centered on how dating apps help create a market where a small percentage of men are on top and have all of the “capital,” if you will, in exchanges with the opposite sex.
It’s pretty bleak stuff, as the hosts themselves acknowledge. I’ve had numerous conversations with men and women alike expressing their frustration about the “market” aspect of dating — they feel that if they’re not at the top of the food chain, they’re going to have to settle in their search for a mate. Understandably, they don’t want to settle, so many of them avoid dating.
Imagining the dating experience as a market is certainly helpful for people trying to understand the big picture. But I find that when it comes to navigating your own dating life, you have to forget the market analogy. I have a different analogy to recommend — and I think the dudes especially will appreciate it.
Dating is like a pro sports career. Not every play (interaction with the opposite sex) is going to be your best, but over time, you’ll become much more skillful and sure of your next steps. For men, this may mean learning how to seize the moment when a woman is flirting with you. For women, this may mean learning to say no to a date with a guy who doesn’t share your beliefs — even if he’s really cute.
So, what are some other strategies to glean from pro athletes?
Be a generalist. Some athletes are specialists, some are generalists — but many of the most successful athletes are the latter. David Epstein, author of the book Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World, details top tennis player Roger Federer’s success after he spent years refusing to focus on just tennis.
“Federer, on the other hand, played a dozen different sports from skiing and skateboarding, rugby, badminton, basketball, soccer, all sorts of things. He delayed specializing,” Epstein said in an interview about his book. “He kept playing badminton, basketball and soccer years after his peers were focusing only on tennis, and obviously he turned out OK.”
You may ask — what does a tennis pro have to do with your dating life? I’m getting there! Be a dating generalist, and don’t limit yourself. Don’t say things like, I’m only comfortable talking to girls after a few drinks at the bar, or I’ll never try a dating app. Why cut off a whole range of possibility for meeting new people?
If you catch yourself saying you’ll “never” date someone you meet a certain way, stop and ask yourself why. Nine times out of 10, you’re doing yourself a disservice.
Watch game film. Okay, I hope you’re not *actually* recording your dates, but you get the idea. The point of an athlete watching themselves on film is so they stop repeating the same stupid mistakes that they can’t see (even though everyone else can).
If you never stop to reflect on why a relationship failed, or why you’ve had a string of bad dates, you’re basically at the mercy of whatever (or whomever) the universe throws at you. Try to notice patterns in your dating and then break out of that rut. Do you primarily choose partners based on looks? Do you tend to lose interest when the other person starts to show interest in you? Maybe you have dysfunctional habits, or maybe you’re just very risk-averse, but be honest about the part you play in your dating experience.
The next step is to do something that breaks you out of that rut. Go on a date with someone who’s not your physical type. Actually make plans to go out with that cute guy on Hinge. Don’t be glued to your bestie when you have a night out — leave your table to order by yourself at the bar, and you’d be surprised who comes up and introduces themselves.
Get back on the field. Sure, great athletes have their meltdowns, but they wouldn’t be great if they couldn’t get their emotions under control and get back on the field. Whether you get dumped, or you’re sad you had to dump someone, you can take a night to cry into your pint of Ben & Jerry’s, but don’t close yourself off to something new.
I think the best advice I can give to someone who feels the weight of “getting back out there” is not to make it all about you. It can feel good to tell your date how awful your ex was and how hurt you feel, but ultimately you are so much more than a breakup. It’s the least interesting thing about you — so save it for later and enjoy getting to know a new person. I can almost guarantee the person across the table from you has their own emotional baggage, too. If you two are meant to be, there will be plenty of time for those discussions later.
Have a specific question you want me to answer? Click here to submit your burning questions anonymously.
Interview with Virginia Allen
You know the drill — every week, I introduce you to a woman who knows the ins and outs of DC! Meet journalist Virginia Allen, who’s proud to call the East Coast home. Connect with her on Twitter @Virginia_Allen5.
What do you love about your neighborhood?
I am naturally a bit of a homebody, completely content to spend Friday evening in my basement apartment in the Ballston neighborhood of Arlington. Give me a glass a red wine and a good book or movie, and I am set for the night.
However, COVID-19 taught me that I can only handle so much introvert time before I start thinking, “Why am I sad? Oh, because I love travel and people, and need both in my life!” I love where I live because it is cozy, but the location of Arlington gives me easy access both to work in D.C., and to life outside the city. I love hiking, exploring small towns, and being away from the hustle and bustle of DC. Arlington provides easy access to all of this.
What does your life look like right now?
My life largely consists of two things in this season: work and church.
I am a News Producer with The Daily Signal, the multimedia news outlet of The Heritage Foundation. Monday–Friday, I drive into D.C. to conduct podcast interview for either The Daily Signal Podcast or the Problematic Women podcast, both of which I co-host with wonderful colleagues of mine. I also write news stories, produce documentaries, and run the Problematic Women Instagram account — you can follow the account @problematicwomen.
My NewSong Church community is a true gift from God. I met many of my closest friends in the DMV at church. I love doing life with people who love Jesus and are navigating the challenges of the professional world together. I serve as a volunteer in my church student ministry, and I am a part of our greeting team on Sunday morning, which is a great way to meet people! I don’t have family close by, so my church community has become my second family.
What's your favorite hangout spot in the DC area?
Caboose Commons in Fairfax is the perfect spot to get a little work done on a Saturday, meet up with a group of friends, or just enjoy a great latte. I have yet to have something on the menu I did not like, and I have tried nearly everything. They also have outdoor seating, which is great in the spring and summer.
What’s one book you think every woman should read?
The book Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud is a must read! For people like me, who sometimes have trouble saying “no,” I found “Boundaries” incredibly liberating. The book teaches you not only how to set healthy boundaries on your life, but how to do so in love.
If you could design the perfect weekend in the DC area, where would you go and what would you do?
Since I am not a huge city person, my perfect DC-area weekend would largely take place in Northern Virginia. I would kick off the day Saturday with a hike at Sky Meadows State Park, followed by a trip down the road about 20 minutes to Middleburg, where I would have dinner at the historic Red Fox Inn. Sunday would begin with church at NewSong followed by brunch on the Georgetown waterfront at Farmers Fishers and Bakers restaurant. And I think I would complete the evening with a walk through Clarendon with Nicecream in hand.
The Haps
Arlington Co. Board Approves Amazon Helix
There’s a building coming to Arlington that people are either going to love or hate — the helix-shaped skyscaper Amazon has planned for its second headquarters. The Arlington County Board unanimously approved Amazon’s plans on Saturday, ABC News reports. I’m not gonna lie, the “outdoor mountain climb” path actually sounds cool… too bad the building won’t be completed until 2025.
Stranger Things Breaks the Bank
The latest Stranger Things trailer looks epic… but you’ll have to wait until May 27th to watch. I’ll be counting down the days until then — I can’t believe it’s been on hiatus since 2019! One thing that caught my eye about the new season is its whopper of a budget: $30 million PER EPISODE, according to IGN. Now that’s insane.
Bulletin Board
Congrats to JUDE and ELAYNE SWALLBACH, who recently welcomed their son JOSEPH EDWIN!
Congrats to JASMINE SKYE BAEHR who started her new role as a Production Assistant at Fox News this week! Congratulate her on Twitter.